Yeah I get it, you’re a fan son, oldschool! You want whoever to play whatever from that EP that no one remembers so that you can say you loved it way back when.
I don’t just hate you, I hate everything about you. It’s a show rube, there’s a pre-determined setlist. The only thing worse that the kid asking for the crappy back-in-the-day track is the kid asking for the track from the album that just dropped and for which this tour is in aid of. We get it, you really really like this song. Tweet about it in silence and stop screaming in my goddamn ear.
I’m not going to hate on you for taking pictures. You paid mad moneydollars and you want a reminder for your concert-moleskin (http://www.moleskine.com/collections/model/product/music-journal) because no one will ever love you if don’t. I get it. Take your damn picture, take your damn video, do whatever. NO FUCKING FLASH! Listen here Leibovitz, the last thing I need is to have a third of my retinas burn out because you just have to have a fuzzy, cloudy alien-abduction-inspired picture of the Dirty Projectors for your facebook wall. Do your crap, just keep it down and keep it away from me.
And if you ask me MIDSHOW to take a picture of you and yours, I’m going to dick-pic your phone to the moon.
WHAT IS YOUR MALFUNCTION CHILD? It’s music, you don’t have to see it to enjoy it. Sit your ass down. If you wanted to be up so close that John Maus mistakes you for his spleen, get to the show early. I don’t care how polite you are, if I need to be displaced because you can’t ‘feel’ it from 8 feet away as well as you do 7 feet away, stay home, drink a shitty beer and leave drunken voicemails to your geography teacher.
I get it. This is going to be the night you don’t masturbate using your own tears as lube. Get your mack on later (or never). No one wants to have their vibes crushed listening to Amorous Aadisht ask someone ‘if she’s really into the music’. Dude, she’s here, trying to have a good time. No one drops mad cash on tickets so they can listen acrimoniously. Consider that mystery solved. Don’t be a gatekeeper and sure-as-shit don’t condescend. Shut up. Have a good time. Be cool. If that doesn’t work for you, get a dog. They’ll love you back.
I hate you most of all. I have a house filled with scotch and a sweet soundsystem. So if I’m stepping out, you best believe it is as the cost a billion more cooler things (cartoons, porn, Tycho, video games, comics, comfy PJs, beer that doesn’t taste like 4 dead gods). So, I just want to enjoy the show. No talking Manish, I don’t want us to be pals and I don’t really care if ‘this isn’t as good as their previous show in a town you’ve probably never heard’. I got the same rules for a show as I do for work- no talking unless you’re buying me a drink and even then you’re allowed to talk only for the duration of said drink.